Last week, I asked you to consider what you might still be carrying.

This week, I want to talk about the woman doing the carrying.

You may know her.

She is the one people call because she will answer.

She remembers the appointment, checks on the parent, helps the grown child, listens to the friend, notices what everyone else has overlooked, and somehow figures out what to do when something goes wrong.

She may be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, church member, neighbor, caregiver, or several of these at the same time.

She is dependable. Capable. Responsible. And often very good at what she does.

Perhaps she is you.

There is nothing wrong with being dependable. Caring for another human being can be one of the most meaningful expressions of love we offer.

But I want to ask you something.

When everyone knows they can depend on you, who takes care of you?

Women and the Work of Caring

There is a reason this conversation matters particularly for women.

In the United States, women continue to carry a disproportionate share of family caregiving. Research from AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving shows that women make up the majority of family caregivers and are more likely than men to report emotional strain associated with caregiving.

Some of that care is visible: medical appointments, meals, medications, transportation, grandchildren, finances.

Some of it is almost invisible: remembering, anticipating, checking, planning, listening, noticing, and thinking three steps ahead so that everything keeps functioning.

Many women have done these things for so long that they no longer think of them as work.

They simply think:

This is what I do.

Sometimes the people around us think the same thing.

When Ability Becomes Assignment

You may be doing something because you are good at it.

You organize well, so you organize everything.

You remain calm in difficult situations, so everyone brings the difficult situations to you.

You understand your aging parent’s needs, so the family assumes you will handle them.

You listen well, so people regularly bring you their problems.

You have always been strong, so people assume you do not need help.

But here is something worth remembering:

Being good at something does not mean you are permanently assigned to it.

Ability is not the same thing as obligation.

The fact that you can do something does not automatically answer the question of whether you should be the person doing it.

Sometimes a strength becomes a role. The role becomes an expectation. Eventually, the expectation becomes something no one thinks to question, including us.

Who Is Applying the Pressure?

Some pressure comes from outside of us.

Family needs. Work responsibilities. Financial concerns. Illness. Aging parents. Adult children. Marriage. Community. Church. Troubling things happening in the world.

These are real pressures. Pretending otherwise will not make them disappear.

But sometimes the stronger pressure comes from within.

A good mother should…

A good wife would…

A good daughter ought to…

A Christian woman should…

A strong woman can handle…

Everyone is counting on me…

Sometimes no one has actually said these things to us. We have repeated them to ourselves so often that they sound like facts.

So it is worth asking:

Who told you that being loving requires being endlessly available?

Who decided that because you have done something for years, you must continue doing it?

What responsibilities are truly yours in this season of your life?

What are you continuing to do because disappointing someone feels more uncomfortable than exhausting yourself?

The Body Is Part of the Conversation

Pressure does not remain neatly contained inside our thoughts. Our bodies respond to what we live through.

Temporary stress is part of being human. But prolonged or chronic stress can affect sleep, concentration, emotional well-being, and physical health, and it can worsen existing health problems.

This does not mean that every illness is caused by stress.

It does mean that sustained anxiety, exhaustion, and pressure should not be dismissed as though they have nothing to do with our health.

Perhaps you are more tired than you used to be. Perhaps your sleep has changed. Perhaps your thoughts race when everything finally becomes quiet.

Sometimes a woman can continue functioning so effectively that few people realize how much pressure she is under.

Sometimes she does not realize it either.

She simply keeps going.

Caring Is Not the Problem

Caring for people is not the problem.

Love matters.

Service matters.

Family matters.

Showing up for people matters.

There are seasons when love asks a great deal of us.

But love and limitless responsibility are not the same thing.

Helping someone does not require taking ownership of everything that affects them.

Being available sometimes does not require being available always.

Supporting another adult does not necessarily mean preventing that person from experiencing the consequences of his or her choices.

And saying, I cannot do that, does not automatically mean, I do not care about you.

Sometimes a boundary is simply an honest answer about where your responsibility ends.

Pause, Reflect and Notice

Consider the people who depend on you.

Do not judge yourself. Do not judge them.

Just look at the map.

Who currently depends on me, and for what?

Which of these responsibilities genuinely belong to me?

What am I doing because I am good at it or because everyone expects me to do it?

What am I afraid might happen if I stopped?

What is the present arrangement costing me physically, emotionally, financially, or spiritually?

Take your time.

There may be responsibilities on your list that you would choose again without hesitation.

Good.

This exercise is not designed to persuade you to abandon people you love.

It is designed to help you see clearly.

There may also be one thing on that list that makes you stop.

One responsibility.

One expectation.

One relationship pattern.

One automatic yes.

Look at that one.

The Woman Is Still There

There is a danger in becoming extremely useful.

People can become accustomed to seeing what you provide rather than noticing the person providing it.

And, without realizing it, you can begin doing the same thing to yourself.

Scripture gives us an interesting picture of this in Exodus 18.

Moses was spending his days hearing the people’s disputes and helping them resolve their problems. He was capable. He was needed. He was doing important work.

But when his father-in-law, Jethro, saw what was happening, he did not praise Moses for carrying more. He warned him that the way he was working would wear both Moses and the people out. He urged Moses to share the responsibility with other capable people. See Exodus 18:13–23.

Moses’ ability to do the work did not mean that he was supposed to do all of the work.

That distinction still matters.

You can be gifted and need help.

You can be responsible and share responsibility.

You can love people and allow other capable people to carry what belongs to them.

And you can be so focused on what everyone needs from you that you stop asking what is happening within you.

What do you need?

Not merely what would make you more efficient so that you can continue doing everything.

What do you need?

Rest?

Help?

A conversation?

A doctor’s appointment you have postponed?

A boundary?

A changed arrangement?

Permission to allow another capable adult to carry something?

Perhaps simply the opportunity to admit:

This is too much for me to continue doing this way.

That is not failure.

That is information.

And information belongs on the map.

Your Next Lantern Step

You do not have to reorganize your entire life today.

You do not have to confront everyone who depends on you.

You do not have to make a dramatic announcement.

Choose one thing.

One responsibility.

One expectation.

One place where you have been operating automatically.

Ask yourself:

If I were choosing today rather than simply continuing what I have always done, would I still choose this?

If the answer is yes, carry it intentionally.

If the answer is no, ask:

What would a wiser arrangement look like?

Perhaps someone else can participate.

Perhaps the responsibility can be reduced.

Perhaps the answer needs to become no.

Perhaps the answer is not yet.

Perhaps you need to ask for help.

Perhaps you need to allow someone else to learn how to do the thing you have always done so well.

Remember:

Your competence does not bind you.

Your strength does not mean you never become tired.

Your love does not require you to disappear.

You are not simply the person everyone depends on.

You are also a person entrusted with a life of your own.

Pay attention to her.

She matters too.

The map shows me what is.
The lantern guides what I choose next.